#it really is tiny life... wow...
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i literally cannot wait until there is actually other life sim games like the sims that are actually publicly available to play!!! like Tiny Life is out now and i do definitely want to play it but... come 2024 we might have Life by You and perhaps Vivaland in our hands... also i am Really Really awaiting Paralives as well i am PRAYING for a release date to be announced. like i will exercise as much patience as i can but tbh ts4 is depriving me (i only have base game + my first pet stuff + desert luxe kit so i dont have 95% of the gameplay i want .) and i would love to just be able to have something else to play too??
#blaire.txt#lby is coming in march 2024 i think and i am EXCITED i hope it is good when it comes out... i am tempted#and i dont. know much about vivaland but MULTIPLAYER LIFE SIM??? IM INTRIGUED#finally . my friends can watch me build square houses in real time#i am still incredibly interested in Tiny Life tbh... i played the demo and its really cute 🥺#it really is tiny life... wow...#and its moddable!!!! plus since its pixel art i could probably pretty easily mod in custom clothes and hairs and stuff#life sims being moddable is so important btw like actually. i genuinely think since like#life sims are so open-ended and customizable by design that NOT having mod support is genuinely a HUGE downside#though of course ts4 also. doesnt have official mod support or modding tools which is a bummer but i mean#ive simply accepted that the sims series just. will never have official modding support#especially with the new one supposedly being f2p 😰#THIS IS NOT A SIMS 4 HATE POST I SWEAR its just . i really wish it was just a 40-60$ game#and all the dlc content was just INCLUDED in the base game for that price#i genuinely would be 100% okay with that price!!! sure its a bit expensive but like#COMPARED TO 1000+ USD FOR THE FULL GAME + DLC EXPERIENCE ITS . A LOT BETTER#like ill happily pay for ur game!!!! but i will Not get out a literal Loan to be able to afford it#sigh. anyways i am really looking forward to the new life sims coming out!!!#i think lby will probably come out first so im excited to get my hands on it hehe
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I worked in the rain while i was sick today. That's why i prefer to work for small businesses, and often have been the only employee of some proprietor run business. Because I will be dedicated and try my absolute hardest regardless of who i'm working for, and I need that to matter.
At a big business you're just a small part of the machine, and they'll use you until you break and absorb the loss of you until they can get a replacement. And that works for some people because they can be as selfish (complimentary) as this world can often demand we be just to stay healthy. I've done it. It's a valid choice, and sometimes a necessary one.
I do tend to fair better at places like where i work now. Run by a single mom trying really hard to make this work for all of us. Out of the last three years i've worked for her the first two years were spent as her only employee. Now i'm senior over two more employees. And that means things like: my input has helped form policy, and: whether or not i do my job well has a big impact on how well the business does.
The flip side to that is, if i call in sick, the business looses a big chunk of income and has to cancel clients last minute, and this business isn't big enough to take hits like that lightly. I gotta clock on. And even though boss would totally let me call off sick (and even has five days of sick pay saved up per employee, because she's trying really hard to be a legit business and a good boss) if i'm still willing to offer it, she needs the help.
But the truth is, i was always going to come in when i said i would and do the work i said i'd do unless i'm 100% unable anyway.
So i usually do best in a situation where that level of effort 100% matters
also, never you fear, i work 99% outside and alone i'm not getting other people sick (and i took two covid tests to be sure i felt comfortable risking that [and i wore a mask the 1% of the time i was at all near any other people])
ANYway. i worked sick in the rain today to keep the ship afloat. sniff hack. i'm a good thing.
My boss ran some errands and went to a Thai restaurant and told them i was sick and they made me a soup that isn't on their menu <3
#i worked as a cook for a long time so i know what's in it.#it's like a very fresh barely cooked bisque of mostly carrot and ginger - delicious btw#and the ginger is in little tiny shredded fresh bits all through it and don't really pop their spice unless you sort of chew a little#which of course with little bits in a broth you naturally do#and i didn't pick up on much of the ginger in the first taste so i added a bunch of sriracha to it because hot sauce in soup is the best#and that hot sauce is made mostly of garlic and jalepeños#and they used a shit ton of ginger in the soup actually#so basically i just downed a mug of ginger garlic jalepeño soup and wow dude it Lit Me Up#i wish there was more of it#my life
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Thinking rn about how Terios was raised and grew up on the Black Comet I’ll talk in the tags
#Giant alien creatures and the tiny toddler that they know if they attempt to harm (outside of practice) they’ll probably be killed for#(he’s important)#I imagine little Terios was scared of the Black Arms at first but was raised to see them as his own brethern#but also Terios’ over-sympathy for them as he grows vs Doleon’s “it’s sick/injured? Smh kill it we can just make a better one” my god.#I ALSO imagine Doleon had his own place within the comet. (Like Black Death did in the comics) By extension Terios was also allowed in ther#Ter probably felt really guilty and sad when all the Black Arms died just because Doleon did (the first time) oughhhhh#They had no free will. They were tethered to the hivemind. to Doleon. Thats not fair….#IM INSANE RN#Moves into team dark’s apartment and tries to sleep on the floor at first#“Do people not normally sleep on the floor?” He asks and they’re like#OH OF COURSE there were no beds or such things on the comet. Why would there be.#He’s so genuine with his question. Never seen a bed in his life. Maybe he’s the first to use the corner mattress?#But gives it up for Clippy later. He’s totally fine with it! The couch is still comfier than the floor shdvdjdbdjd#I’m getting off topic now but DO YOU SEEEEEE#wow that was a lot#sonic the hedgehog#sonic fandom#sth#oc universe au#black arms#sonic oc#terios the darkhog#sonic au#terios lore
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bought a sensitive gums toothbrush and??? it is so soft??? toothbrushing doesnt have to always end in blood taste??? wild
#nim rambles#Wow when tiny thing you never really thought much about (how toothbrushes attack me) suddenly changes#quality of life upgrade...
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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Prompt: Fictober Day 1: "That was good work."
Fandom: Lumine
Summary: Camille and Kody have a brief conversation.
Content Warnings: N/A
Words: 1,249
Camille watched a series of bottles shift between Kody’s hands; once the green liquid from one vial had been drained into another, thicker, clear substance, Kody would reach for another, his expression not changing past the subtle twice of his nose as the scents mingled. The green itself spread and fell slowly, as if he had just dropped liquid food dye into watery corn syrup.
“Don’t hesitate,” Camille reminded him, her palm pressed to her cheek. “If you do, it’s going to end up tasting acidic.”
Kody huffed in response, his hands lingering over another tube held in a small wooden rack. “Don’t distract me.”
“You’re stalling.”
“Because you’re distracting me.”
A quiet hum of acknowledgment mingled with amusement caught behind Camille’s now-closed lips as she watched him continue, now more focused than before as he slowly poured half of the liquid in with the mixture.
“What, you’re not gonna get onto me for using too much or too little?” As he spoke, Kody’s bitter gaze flickered up long enough to glance at the other. He slowly reached out for the stirring stick, eyes stuck on Camille as he pulled it closer. “Or you’re not gonna tell me to be careful about how I stir it?”
“Nope, not yet. I’m just waiting and watching now.” Camille smiled a bit, watching as he stirred slowly, almost meticulously. His focus had seemed to double after he grew quiet. “What happened to me not distracting you?”
“If I’m just complaining about you, then I’m not getting distracted. But if you’re interrupting me, then I’m gonna lose focus. How long does this even need to be stirred?”
“Didn’t you read the note I left you?”
“I can’t read Terranian yet, and you left it in Terranian.”
Camille could feel her smile break as he reminded her—though, the only actual change on her expression was a subtle twitch of her lips. Her brain went blank, the only word crossing her mind for a moment being ‘shit’ as she stared at the boy now working silently across from her.
That’s right, you and Sera couldn’t talk at all when you first met her.
“How did you follow the instructions up until now?”
“Eyeballed it. I made something similar before, so, it’s not like it’s a big deal. Plus, it’s not like I even asked you to actually write instructions down for me—I just asked if you had the ingredients.”
“Given how Lumine has talked about how you make your potions… That’s not really reassuring.”
“I knew what I was doing then, too.”
“Did you?”
Kody grew quiet, pulling the stick out as he transferred the syrup-consistency potion into another glass bottle and seal it.
“I didn’t know how it was actually going to react with him, but I knew it wouldn’t kill him. I knew what I put in it, and that nothing in it would mix badly together to be that bad.”
“M-hm. At least there’s that, I guess.”
“I know what I’m doing.”
Feels like there should be a ‘usually’ there, Camille said silently, watching Kody put the vial aside and seal the remaining ingredients. You’ve got a long way to go, but. That doesn’t mean you haven’t studied hard already.
“I’ll clean everything up, too. So. Don’t worry about me making things more of a mess than they already are.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll get it before I go out today.” Camille waved her hand, watching as Kody pushed himself up. He gathered the emptied and now-dirtied dishes and tools and took them towards the small kitchen. “If you’re going to try and clean up anyway, just drop them off in the sink that’s not by the fridge. It’s the one that’s for anything that isn’t a fruit or vegetable. Potions, meat, whatever.”
“Alright.” Kody did as she instructed, now without any complaint or push-back, and then sat back down across from her. He picked the potion’s bottle back up and held it up to the light, his eyes flickering back and forth through the liquid that almost matched his eye color as he inspected it. “Is it really safe to wash potion bottles next to where you prep meat, though?”
“I mean, nothing I work with in here is toxic. And if it is, then the bottle just gets disposed of.” Camille shrugged, watching him closely. He seemed, at the very least, pleased with the mixture’s consistency and color. “So, what made you want to make something for pain? Everything okay?”
“You’ve been complaining about headaches a lot lately, and clearly, you’re not going to do anything about it yourself.”
Camille felt her smile shatter once again, her lips now fully turning into a frown. “You really noticed that, huh?”
“Lumine did, too. He actually overheard you mention it first.”
“Sera?”
“You actually don’t say anything about it around her, I don’t know if you’re just like. Worried about worrying her or something, but. You don’t even really say it to us, you just kind of say it to yourself and keep doing whatever it is you’re doing.”
Camille dragged her hand down her face as she leaned harder into the back of her chair. “Aghhh. I didn’t even notice.”
“Yeah, well. It’s getting on my nerves, so try this. It’s cool enough now.” He held the bottle out to her, their green eyes meeting as her attention redirected back towards him.
Getting on your nerves? Is that just your way of saying you worry, in this case? Camille hid her smile, eyes meeting his for a brief moment.
She took the bottle from his hands, much smaller than her own, the glass still subtly warm—partially from the mixture, partially from his own hands. “So, you actually sat down and made this for me?”
“Hopefully it’s not too acidic from you distracting me.”
Judging by his half-smirk, it was less of a concern, and more of a facetious comment. Something to poke and prod at her.
She couldn’t help but smile a bit more, seeing how confident he was. How sure he was that, even though she distracted him so much by talking to him, it would still be alright. Even if he silently struggled with it on most days, she always tried to take the moments that he was so sure of himself in good spirits.
“Ha. Even if it was, I’ve definitely had worse than something that’s a little bit acidic. I’ve probably had coffee worse than it, honestly.” She opened it, sniffed, and hen downed it as quickly as possible. If it was actually acidic, she would—hopefully—not even notice. If anything, it would likely feel no worse than mild heartburn—and at worse, severe heartburn.
“Well, was it?”
She waited for a moment, expecting an aftertaste of… Something. Bitterness. Something akin to bile. An incorrect texture from overmixing, adding one ingredient too soon, overheating it, letting it get too cool during the cooking process rather than letting it cool after, something.
But it was no different from what she would have made herself for a patient. Slightly sweet, a bit sticky—it would definitely feel better if she had chased it down with warm water or something else. But it was, actually, up to her standards.
“Not at all, actually.” She said, twisting the neck of the bottle in her fingers. “That was good work, Kody.”
“Yeah? Told you I knew what I was doing. Hope it helps, it’ll probably take a little bit, but.”
#fictober24#Lumine#Lumine webcomic#Lumine webtoon#Lumine (webcomic)#Lumine (webtoon)#my fanfics#not on ao3#Last year tumblr kept like. Rearranging my paragraphs. If it did it this time I'll just start biting I think?#Well. Not even just last year. Every time past then.#Anyways hiii happy fictober my favorite writing event is back <3#Wow I think tumblr actually kept my formatting. My italics are still here. That's a surprise.#In the past it Never kept my italics.#I don't think that Kody would want to like... Actually go into potion making in the end past learning to make a few things#I think he really would want to like. Go for a bakery or patisserie. You know?#I think he would learn how to make a few things--injuries pain convenience (Kody please don't make a five hour energy potion...)#I do think that Camille would help him learn how to make these things though. And then ''...... So why do you want a five hour energy.''#And he would just shrug ''Long night baking?''#And she would just frown. So hard. And then teach him anyway and tell him not to overdo it/use it often.#I like the idea of Camille and Sera being like. Good 'mom'' figures for him? Or at the least Camille being a good mentor figure for him.#He needs a few Not Fucking Awful adult women in his life after the way his mother treated him. Good grief.#Also I do headcanon Camille and Sera as like. Exes. They're just ex-girlfriends getting back together to me. Probably marriage eventually.#Also I have specific headcanons about Camille and Sera that I'm gonna start nudging into fanfics in small tiny ways.#If you can pinpoint those things. Good job. I'm delighted.#Anyways I'm gonna stop rambling about where I think Kody would end up in like. Ten years.#Idk why I rambled so much in the tags today good grief. I'm just a little chatty.
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#i have a rant but it doesn't need to be seen so its going in the tags- like i need to get it out but like it doesn't need to be 'loud' yo?#*yk?#also sidenote my emoji keyboard updated so there's probably gonna be a lot of typos#i seriously cant believe my eyes when it comes to some of the hate online#like#i just blocked a good dozen people because they were just so--- mean spirited? i mean i guess its no surprise there's trolls on the internet#but these ppl are not trolls they just genuinely have these hateful opinions. and that's fine. thats why I'm whispering in my tags because#like it really is fine they're not doing anything wrong. but i just cant bwlelievw my eyes#how can people just so profoundly misunderstand others? and then yell about it so loudly like they're the the most righteous voice?#especially on the internet. i think a lot of times we forget that we only see a tiny little window into what a person is really like.#we will never know the whole story of who someone is or what they've been through in a parasocial format. hell even in a real life format.#it just boggles my mind#i cant imagine the amour of strength it must take to be bullied your whole entire life- as a child and teen and now as an adult creator.#thats insane#and then to have people constantly demanding that you step back into the ring#as if they've never made a mistake before - as if they're anger as a stranger on the internet is some sort of divine right#i just wow#complete opposite energy of the boop button#we need more boop buttons#metaphorically and literally- we need to push more buttons that say 'i love you' that say 'i don't know who the fuck you are or what you've#been through jut i see you and i love you'#what if we all just held hands#ugh#i guess you could call this rant 'baby's first time seeing an anti tag'#ughhhhh
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Cliffjumper, Hound and Mirage settle down in some remote part of rebuilt Cybertron and live the cottagecore dream post-war
#Hound forages#Mirage knits#And Cliffjumper wards off pests#They sit together in their cozy living room near their tiny fireplace with fuzzy blankets and cuddle during the night#They go on hiking trips every weekend and visit the farmers market when it comes around#The local kids sometimes hang around to see what's up with the kooky hut in the woods and Cliffjumper tells them to get off their lawn#Sometimes their friends come to visit and they make a bonfire and sit around it and talk about old times#and it's beautiful and life is good and love is real#and wow I should really just write down that fic already instead of leaving it as a wip and vague tumblr post sgwuajajal#tf#transformers#cliffjumper#hound#mirage#RGB#(is that the ship name???)#cliffhoundraj#I will also find some way to shoehorn Blurr and Hardhead in there because they're important to me#Maybe Sandstorm and Octane too#depends on how many rarepairs I'll be able to fit in subtlety#SHWJJSJSI haven't even started writing it aside from the general premise and I have five thousand other WIPs that I barely touch#I should not be talking like thisHWJAJSK
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Various images from the past year or so... posting my evil little photo diary collections once again..
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1. one of the billions of pastel sky photos I take and post constnaly because I'm obsessed with the sky lol 2. I got#a gardening mama (like cooking mama) game from a friend a few years ago and don't really play it that much since it's not#as interesting to me in some ways but.. I do like the graphics a lot. It'd be cool if in real life when you did something correclty a bunch#of little rainbows and sparkles appeared in front of you lol. 3. Everyone makes fun of me but this is how I like to have sandwiches#.. basically a salad in between two pieces of bread. barely any meat and cheese but then like 2 inches of lettuce and tomatoes and stuff..#half an entire head of iceberg lettuce on one sandwich... the Cronch... 4. Weird little light colored spider doing a split on the netting#of this strawberry garden. 5. ice creambe... 6. tiny tiny babey strawberry son.. 7. Went to someone's house and they#had this weird channel (I guess for halloween?) where it was like 8 different channels playing at once and you could watch them all#simultaneously (I don't think this is the intended purpose of it I think it's more just to show what's currently airing)#but it's kind of surreal and interesting.. with how on tiktoc and stuff they have those weird sensory overhwleming#videos where its' like 3 videos playing at once with unrelated audio. I wonder if one day people will just watch 8 screens#of tv at once like this after everyone offically has only a 2 second attention span lol. To me its kind of hard to pay attention#to but is an interesting excercise I guess. Like it was a cool challenge to try to watch it all at the same time#8. THE temperature indoors at NIGHT during the late summer........... AUGH.....#9. a pleasant little breakfast of scrambled eggs with green onion. baked salmon. sauteed corn. and a few almonds pecans and pineapple#leftover from making smoothies with it the day before. I eat basically the same rotation of things for every single meal every single#day (like literally I have had the same exact breakfast for about 2 years with zero variation except for special occasion) so whenever I do#actually have the energy to make something different or I have some interesting food for some special occasion reason. I feel more#inclined to document it lol.. like.. oooooo...eggs.. Which are normal to some people. but to me it's like.. wow... revolutionary.. so#different from my usual Scheduled Bland Stomach Problems Safety Gruel lol.#photo diary#spiders tw
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just finished jade legacy
#wow. that was a Journey. the passage of time in this book made me so emo.....#watching them grow older and the CHILDREN GROWING UP SO FAST really got me :(#so much happened in this book it was insane but so so good and so satisfying#ayt madashi had me on my toes until the very end she is Ruthless#im never getting over ru :((( that made me cry. hated that so much it was JUST AN ACCIDENT and that makes it so much worse#seeing the kaul children as literal babies and then slowly growing into full adults over the course of the book just#made me that much more attached :((#also not me and my delusional ass somehow hoping anden and lott would become a thing hgkshfjdhf#ah well#ALSO BERO. this man is fucking cockroach. i love it. he was definitely one of the reasons this series was so enjoyable#love how he thought of himself as part of this grand myth bc of everything he's been through#it's so interesting to see this grand epic story of the kauls play out alongside this tiny thread that is bero’s life#he was such a big part of it but at the same time.....he was just a nobody#the part that really made me so so heartbroken and burst into tears was when#hilo was standing over lan and kehn and tar’s graves :((( his brothers all gone.....i cried#i could Feel how exhausted he was but how he had to pull himself together for the clan#AND THEN RU :((((((#idk man i have many thought none of them are coherent and i just finished a 700 page book but it's been an INCREDIBLE journey#im so glad i read these books. wow. i never ever expected to get THIS invested.#i haven't had such visceral reactions to a book in a long time. it kind of felt like coming back to life#like the way i used to read back in high school :')#anyway. how can i move on from this series!!! i feel like i need to let it sit with me for a while before starting anything else#if you have any suggestions please share !!
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girlies who get 100% introverted any time they do a personality test finally find peace when they get to just sit around alone at home on a Saturday after a stressful week, who would've thought?
#I don't think I've really gotten used to working full time like man I'm there all the time#and then you only have 2 days to not see people but I want to see people#and especially the guy I've been seeing that I in fact have been meeting every weekend and more#but today just waking up chilling going for a walk later... it really feels like my student life#the way I could do this any old day I wanted to just a few months ago? wow!#also I really miss being able to combine being productive and hanging out with my friends from when we could study together#I easily saw them like 3 times a week and like... talking to my colleagues at work isn't the same thing at all#anyway... I manifested a tiny bit of sun so now I'm going for a walk <3#snicksnack
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Tagged by @silversiren1101... sorry to be doing this in the literal middle of the night, I've chosen the "sleep from 9-1, then ????-????" route tonight.
Anyway. The only one is the one you already knew, haha. I'm vaguely aware of alexisonfire and Death Cab for Cutie existing - the latter is a really Tumblr artist, I think I've been told? - but I don't know any more than that. I briefly thought I knew The New Low, but it turns out that what I was remembering was being bizarrely obsessed with the song New Low by Middle Class Rut in middle school.
I edited this on my phone so pardon the sloppiness of a last second swap. This was odd to do because I have a Weird Thing where I don't really listen to music by artist a lot of the time, and I often don't know more than a random scattering of songs or a single album from an artist. Artists I am confident I generally know the discography of are kinda few and far between, and I was much better about being thorough like that in high school... Anyway. A random scattering of stuff. Even I don't know how I determined what made the cut and what didn't for half of this list. I assume I can't do duplicates or Lord Huron would definitely be on here.
The blank. I don't have a lot of people to tag, I guess? @camelliagwerm if you're interested and no one has reached out to you yet
#I don't consider myself a dedicated fan of many artists so if you have beef with the community of any of these people#know I am uninvolved and blissfully unaware of other people who listen to them. I just listen to the music.#I have seen two (2) of these artists in person which was very cool#I love live music but I hate being around loud noises and crowds so I hate live music. it takes a lot to make me want to see it.#I've seen baroness twice and can only dream to see them again (what an incredible presence and sound)#and through a series of bizarre coincidences vicetone was once at the tiny club in my college town on a week night#which was a good time even though I bitched nonstop for the first hour#what I realize trying to talk about music is that wow. even not being a Music Person I have heard a lot of music in my life huh#and I've heard a lot of music I enjoy :) that's cool#anyway shout-out to Priestess number one didn't make the list artist#because I can only think of two Priestess songs they just really rule#music is good. I should sleep#tag game#edit: shout-out to Priestess number one artist that didn't make the list even after I added an extra one#I suddenly remembered Knife Party/Pendulum and felt like I had to give priority to the music that fueled me writing a oneshot#in about three hours in college
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every couple of weeks stardew will get its claws into me and then ill get 30 more hours in it in a week then i wont play for like. 5 weeks. then i do it all again
#its got its claws in me again. JUST GOT MY FIRST FUCKING OBELISK 💪💪💪#i kept calling it a totem. its an obelisk. the ones u craft r totems. BUT. OBELISK OBTAINED. im going to get my second one first thing#tomorrow both in game and irl… wow#i got the desert one and now im getting ginger island. 💪💪#i wish the mod that fixes ginger island fuckin. Worked. i tried to install it lke 5 times. i should try again#I should also probably update my mods. but my mods are just recolors and some tiny quality of life things so it doesnt matter much i think#gost#man i love sdv#everyone should go watch BlaDe videos on sdv theyre really intriguing. step manips are so cool
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did you know that my dad uses a lighter to light agarbatti like it's a mosquito thing and
#it has different settings right like to control thr level of flame#that tiny slider thingy#so like the guy who works here he showed my dad how to use that#and my dad was like WOAHHHH i didn't know this existed aaj pehli baar dekha maine amd he was all fascinated#and i was trying so hard to control my laugh because i already knew it because my cousin showed it to me when we were smoking#and i tried it on all settings and i remember i did it on the highest setting and the flame was SO HIGH that we both shouted and jumped#back and she took it from me like are u crazy you'll kill us both ye khelne ke liye nahi hai and then we couldn't stop giggling#about how we overreacted#and like#this happened RIGJT after the day i was feeling sad and isolatef about living with my dad alone#like it was all feeling hopeless and dreary and too long to bear#but idk that moment made me realise that he can do what he wants be as over controlling as he likes but at the end of the day#ill always have a happy life separate from him and he'll never know about it and he is literally incapable of stopping me#like if ive done all this INSIDE his house with my chachu's cousin aka the person he hates the most in the world#then imagine the things im going to do when im not living with him😋#also random thought but i think kids who have over strict parents are the ones that fall into bad habits like these drinking and smoking#like people my age in my old office id talked to them and they had absolutely no inclination to drink or smoke??? on their own??????????#cause like it's against their moral values/religion?? 😭😭 like wow wdym u guys have values and are loyal to them#anyway i could be totally wrong and now i REALLY should go
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It is very true that this "kid-glove explaining" IS sometimes the only way to get any assistance at all, and that this is absolutely not the fault of the disabled people who have been put in so horrible a position by their ableist loved ones. You have to do what you must to survive.
But i just want to emphasize how it is also true that the labor of these kinds of repeated forced-calm explanations can be extremely harmful for the disabled person long-term.
I say this because I THOUGHT I had made progress with teaching my family, but in fact I had only gained a LOT of additional trauma and grief during a time when I desperately needed non-ableist support.
I was sick and in crisis for years, and during that time, I repeatedly spent the energy i could have used to ask friends for help on instead begging my family to learn how to stop hLeping me and start Helping me.
This genuinely endangered my life on multiple occasions. Imagine the difference between getting immediate help bailing water out of your sinking ship (ex. my friend Laura metaphorically jumping into my boat with buckets and pumps and no judgment), and having to instead stand in your increasingly-sinking ship explaining (so SO gently or else they will dismiss you entirely, even though the water is creeping up to your neck) to someone that "actually no, adding water to my boat doesn't help please PLEASE just bail it out; I cannot emphasize enough that I can't swim why do I have to keep saying that? no I don't think I could have avoided that hurricane and it hurts that you keep asking; no I am not faking it - why would I fake this?? What kind of person do you think I am??" - as they allow the water to creep up to your chin. That's the difference between help and hLep.
Also, a helper wants you to have all the help you could possibly need, and they recognize that they almost certainly can't provide you with everything you need on their own. (Ex. My partner can't help me with panic attacks most of the time due to her own mental illness. But she helps with all sorts of other stuff, communicates her limits, and actively encourages me to rely on my friends for support.)
Meanwhile, a hLeper might be offended that you would even want ANYONE'S assistance besides their own because it isn't about *your need,* it is about *their pride.*
If the people around me *get angry at me for being angry* when THEY are the ones who hurt ME, then I no longer want them around me. And I hope to have the skill and the privilege to be able to stay in control of that. I hope someday we all can have that.
And to every disabled person stuck waiting for better days: Please survive in the meantime because your survival is the key to a better future for us. It will be better with you there. I don't care if you disagree with me; you won't persuade me otherwise - I am a stubborn Jack. I want you there. Disabled survival is an act of radical resistance. You, along with the other contributiors to this post, are Punk As Fuck.
I go into these concepts some more in this version of the post.
[Also, if you have any trouble reading the opening paragraphs of this post, I edited the original post into a more dyslexic-friendly version, and I've tried to include that link in every version of the post that I refer to.]
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hlep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you ask for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hlep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hlep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it helps reinforce the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hleper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
#original#ableism cw#I'm really happy that the person who added the initial comment to this post has made progress with their mother but#I know a lot of people who would benefit a lot more from no longer having to rely on ableist people at all#not your fault if that is impossible right now. but i got stuck in a loop trying to make tiny inches of progress with my family#for so long that it endangered my life multiple times. and that's why i wish this version of the post was shared less. tbh.#because if someone needs kid-gloves explaining then this is a red flag and they have done you a disservice#and you gotta think really hard about their patterns of behavior relative to what information you've given them when. write it down even.#this post has been brought to you by 'i desperately apologized 2 dozen times for yelling at my big sister#but she didn't apologize for endangering my life bc i was MORE IN THE WRONG in her and my other sister's opinions bc i got angry about it!'#guess what! anger is good and important sometimes!#and it is not inherently unkind to be angry or even to shout if it is a matter of self-defense!#it's absolute llamas with hats 'well you said i did a bad thing and that hurts my feelings. wow. now we're both in the wrong.'#like 'KAARRRLLL. You almost killed your brother Karl!!!!'#emotional abuse#in fact the only reason I even learned about this phrase in the first place was because I talked to my therapist about how#my family says that i didn't ask for help enough when i was in crisis and she just went...#yeah but they don't offer help they offer hLep. and then they blame you and your communication skills.#mind fucking BLOWN tbh#turns out the most progress I've ever made w my family i achieved not through concessions but thru hard boundaries#which was a huge privilege on my part bc if i had less savings and my wife didn't have wealthy parents#then i would not have had the power to have as many boundaries with my family#hLep is the fault of the hLeper not the person they are doing it to
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Marid really dropped into Night City and it seems like a swarm of DILFs came running to him to turn into THE disfuctional male figure in his life, like if we're a competition or smt
#oc: marid cain#johnny be like im the uncle that you were once star struck with and thought it was the coolest in the world but then tou grew up and realize#wow HE'S AN ASSHOLE#to Takemura with their wierd I only care about you as long as you are useful to me that develops into tiny lapses where both want to be#vulnerable but don't have the tools or means. one is way too brainwashed and the other is way too mean about it#so both ending where basically their roles were reversed but ultimately both end up free of the merc life#mmmhh eating my shoes#River and Jackie but specially Jackie treating Marid as like their long lost little brother#but in totally different directions#kerry... well.... kerry#and finally Reed#like this mfer just adopted Marid after PL#and YES its purely out of guilt#deep running guilt and also bc he's the closest thing to his old life with So Mi and Alex#also both bond over the dumb luck their ever gonna see So Mi again#they do end up really begin friends but lord
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